For Pete's Sake

As if my inherited South American Catholic-type guilt about sex weren't enough, now I gotta worry about being kissed to death.

Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that giving homeless men blowjobs is considered "risky behavior."

Sheesh.

Hey man,...

...maybe it's time to stop raging against the dying of the light, yo.

Ahem.

There is a really bad joke in here somewhere.

The End of an Era

So, they've finally called it quits. Now, believe it or not, there is a heart beating underneath this ol' bitch's hateful ribcage, and it actually does make me sad that these two have split. I'm more of a Jessica fan than Ashlee (I get it...you're sister's super-hot and that fucked you up...now, fucking get over it, or get interesting, cause otherwise, I'm through with you, Ashlee Simpson! And P.S. trying to out-"hot" her is such a bad plan--trust me--I know of which I speak.) and I actually used to find her naivite rather charming and that she and Nick seemed like a cute couple.

Alas, we all got to watch the cookie crumble, (Is that an appropriate expression? Who knows, I'm sort of out of it...) but at the end of the day, I hope we've all learned a very important lesson about pre-marital sex.

And boobs.

Or not.

I'm not really sure.

Mariah, you should know better.

Girl, if I was you, I would not be putting ANYTHING pointy near those things.

It's all my own fault, really.

So, this is the sweet little creature I brought home from the mysterious store run by the creepy old Asian man who told me not to feed her after midnight, and to keep her away from water.





Unfortunately, I didn't listen and now my pool is overrun with whorish Grem-hos.

I gotta say...

...there's something kind of charming about how trashy she is.

Ladies and gentlemen,...

...introducing the woman who stole my career.

Christine Aguilera Ties The Knot...

...and exhausted gynecologists across the country breathe a hopeful sigh of relief.

News...Kansas Style!

As I was perusing the Internet for work purposes (believe it or not) I found this article about the death of the "Cowtown Doughnut Deity," Ray Lamar.

His wife, pictured above, remembered his last words, eloquently quoted by the Kansas City Star:

“He did not have any words of wisdom,” says wife Shannon Lamar. “He rose up in his wheelchair the day before he died and said, ‘I want some ice cream.’ And luckily I had some, so I gave him a bowl and he ate every bite of it. And that was really his last thought. It was vanilla with fudge running through it.”

It is clear that Lamar had a penchant for the finer things in life:

“His favorite dinner was a hotdog and something,” she says. “A potato or salad and a vegetable. He always had fine-dined, the American, Top of the Crown.”

I have no idea what that last sentence means.

“He loved Little Debbie’s snack cakes,” Shannon says. “Every night before he went to bed he had one.”

Some high-caliber reporting right there folks. If you're interested in finding out more about the controversy surrounding what is known as "The Wrong Sign Incident," click here for the full article.

Leave it to the Kansas City Star to get down to the down-and-dirty. I hear the reporter was embedded in Ray's (what I'm assuming must have been enormous) ass-crack during his final days in order to ensure he would have the full scoop on this breaking news.

Barbara, please!

Before I start with the following anecdote, I must make sure to credit my former roommate with the only Faye Dunaway story in my possession:

Thank you, Pumpkin Nugget!

All right, so my roomie worked on "The WB's Starlet" during production and often had to help handle Faye Dunaway, who would do such things as throw open her trailer door, yell out, "Diet Coke" and then slam the door shut, leaving the terrified production assistants to draw straws as to who would be the unlucky bastard forced to do her bidding. Once, she held up production because she refused to continue until a food scale was brought to her. The worst experience my roomie suffered was driving her from her home to the production and she was so verbally abusive and overbearing that he was nearly driven to tears. Eventually, he ended up moving back to Texas, where he lives now at his family's home.

Back home in Texas, he was flipping through the channels whilst watching TV with a friend. As he flipped, he saw "Mommie Dearest" playing on one of the channels and (after a shudder) he told his friend, "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't watch. Too many bad memories," to which his friend replied, "Oh my God! Was your mother abusive?" And, of course, my friend replied, "Oh God no! I was talking about Faye Dunaway."

Do yourself a favor...

...and check out Vivica Fox's website when you have a chance. It appears that she's the one star in Hollywood who actually has her publicist save the clippings from the tabloids, so that they can be scanned to be posted later on her website. How is it that the more insignificant the star, the more expensive and complicated the website?

Which reminds me to see if Marc Consuelos has a homepage...

Googling Lisa Timmons

I'm not gonna lie...I've been known to Google myself from time to time. And here are my favorite listings:

First off, someone's looking for me.

I'm a really smart scientist.

Here's me as Teacher of the Month for October 2005: Lisa Timmons from Mulberry Elementary School in Muscatine.

I'm also looking to sell you a house.

And finally, I'm black.

Just plain stupid

According to this article, Jennifer Anniston was named GQ's Man of the Year:

Jennifer Aniston earned the honor because the magazine says she showed a lot of poise, grace and good humor during her breakup with Brad Pitt this year.

Now, I'm wondering, who is working at GQ these days? NASA test monkeys who have learned how to type?

MONKEY: Hey...why don't we have Jennifer Anniston be Man of the Year? And by "man", we'll really mean human, and by "year," we'll mean the past two weeks, and by "of the" we'll really mean spaghetti with bananas.

And...it's Raffle Friday again! Twice!

I'm starting to think...

...that maybe I'm getting a little too comfortable at my job--at least in terms of how I dress--because I actually dressed cute today with a skirt and brown boots and the resulting compliments (accompanied by looks of astonishment) have been making me wonder how a decent outfit is garnering so much attention.

It reminded me of the time my mother said to me, "Oh Lisa, you look wonderful. Just radiant." To which I was forced to respond, "Because this is the first time you've seen me wearing make-up. Ever."

God, I love dinosaurs

Now, I don't know if this is considered an actual dinosaur or what, but scientists just found these bones in South America that look fucking cool. Yeah, I'll admit it--I'm a nerd. But still. This shit is cool.

Jesus Is Magic

Now that I've already bought my tickets, I can go ahead and try to encourage people to go see this. Sarah Silverman's movie of her one-woman show is going to be playing at the NuArt in Santa Monica on Friday at 5:20PM, 7:30PM and 9:40PM. Sarah's going to be at the last 2 showings.

By the way, sorry I've been so behind in the blogging. I realize there are nearly dozens of you, waiting each and every day for my daily gems of wisdom/humor/bullshit.

;)

This just in...

Former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson, seen here in October 2005, was arrested and briefly detained for attacking a television cameraman in Brazil.(AFP/Getty Images/File/Frederick M. Brown)

...Mike Tyson is STILL crazy as shit.

No Comment

German company Volsing presents a funeral urn in the form of a soccer ball at an international trade show for funeral arts in Le Bourget near Paris November 10, 2005. About 220 companies are promoting their products and services at the show. REUTERS/ Regis Duvignau

Imagine, if you will, a perfect world in which...

...K-Fed and Paris Hilton decide to collaborate on a diss album aimed towards Nicole Ritchie and Dairy Queens across the nation.


In response, Nicole Ritchie and Ashlee Simpson (recovering from what I assume will be a failed attempt to portray herself as "punk rock") decide to come out with an extremely vulgar, violence-influenced gangsta rap album, stating that they'd like to "pop caps in those beeotches asses!"

At that point, I imagine Kimberly Stewart somehow gets caught in the crossfire and dies a tragic death, made all the more tragic by nobody noticing.

Afterwards, I'll buy the rights to the story, sell it to MTV as a "hip-hopera" starring everyone as themselves, since I doubt any of the participants will be busy anyways.

Flashback sequence

Not too long ago, I found myself reminiscing about my job as a receptionist and thought I'd share some of those memories.

Here are some of the most annoying, most often repeated things I heard at the front desk:

-I was in charge of validating parking for guests, so there was always the obligatory, "Hey, can you VALIDATE me?" with a wink of the eye to which I was supposed to respond, "Yeah, you're a great guy. Ha. Ha."

-When flowers would sit at my desk, waiting to be delivered to an executive by a production assistant, someone would inevitably walk by and jokingly say, "Awww...are these for me?" Again, "Ha. Ha."

Now, this is something that only happened once, but I found it worth mentioning. There was one production assistant who needed to get his parking validated by me on a daily basis and one day, he said to me, "My mom asked if I was seeing anyone, and I told her I see Lisa every day when she validates my parking."

And, on that note, I'm out, bitches.

Hey Glowworm

This is just a shout-out to my glowworm.

You were my favorite toy for a little while there, until I lost you after we moved to Germany.

Love, peace and chicken grease.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Who knows what career path Jessica Simpson might have traveled, had the whole singing/being married on TV thing not worked out.

MSN reports:

"Yes I have," the singer-actress tells Teen People in its December-January issue, on newsstands Friday. "I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."

As for me, my fallback career is astronaut/President of the United States--a direct result of my respect for knowledge of phallic symbols and gaseous bodies of energy.

Interest Rates Up Again

The Federal Reserve on Tuesday raised interest rates to the highest in four years and signaled it still had leeway to tighten monetary policy, while data showed factories ran at a robust pace in October. (Graphic/Reuters)

I'm just playing...I don't know what the hell that means. I just wanted to see if y'all were paying attention.

I know I'm behind the times,...

...but I can't help that I'm still amused by the fact that not only was The Game on "Change of Heart," but he was one of those unfortunate souls who wanted to stay together, while his partner decided she had a "Change of Heart."

Ouch.

HEADLINE: Jamie Lee Curtis No Longer Wants to Act

For more on Jamie Lee's earthshattering declaration, click here.

In other news, I have decided to stop taking work as a SUPERMODEL because of the busy schedule I maintain as an OFFICE ASSISTANT.

I'm quoted as saying:

"In between ordering supplies from Staples, answering phones and scheduling other people's calendars, I barely have time for photo shoots on yachts in Portugal. And, rather than neglect my executives and have someone else do my job, I'd prefer to be there for them. My life is so full right now. I can't imagine it any other way."